| Author | Message | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1120 Registered: 12-2003 |
Thanks kindly to all those who offered suggestions. This is a revision of where it is at this moment in time, with some changes of mine own aswell. I will let it put its feet up for a while and perhaps take it further at a later date. Thanks again. L x Pocket Of Wings I spend a day with buttercups, lay a blanket amongst a body of wings hoping the dust of angels will settle on the skin of a woman asking. A swallow sits on a round stone. She claws at its redness. She could puncture a hole through yellow and my chest if she chooses. A stolen smile turns corners at her beak. She guzzles it down with a thin, dried worm under this sun-bleach that withers me just as quickly. I have walked across this field dressed in her feathers, laughed into buttercups and drank from their throat of stars while she slept in the knotted alder. I realise a girl and a woman separate somewhere on this hillside, in this field. Perhaps a decade of words pass when I take a pocket of flowers? Perhaps there are no remnants, no more angels sweetly dipped through brush and honeysuckle, no more dragon- flamed heather, or lantern giants. A swallow streaks the sky with sunset causing buttercups to close. Beads glitter my feet, warm, from the thorn of her beak. She tells the girl to go home. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Valued Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 989 Registered: 11-2003 |
love it leave it laurie | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Intermediate Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2005 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lia, wonderful rewrite!  K | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1124 Registered: 12-2003 |
kind thanks laurie and very glad. I certainly will leave it alone for a bit, by good advice. Thanks for coming by to read Kathy, glad to know the revision is better.. it's been a hard one to fight with. kind thanks lia | ||
| M
Moderator Username: mjm Post Number: 3109 Registered: 11-1998 |
Beautiful work, lia. I have no suggestions at this time. I just wanted you to know that my favorite part was the smile on the beak of the bird. I've sworn to others that I can see animals smile, but they either laugh or think I'm crazy or both. It was good to read that someone else sees these things as well. Thank you. | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Advanced Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2473 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lia, as the old commercial used to say, "It's soup." I wouldn't do anything more to it. The theme is clear yet imaginative enough to take the reader on a wonderful journey. Best, Kathryn | ||
| Emusing
Intermediate Member Username: emusing Post Number: 1195 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lia, it's all here. You've done a fantastic job. Just love this piece. E | ||
| E V Brooks
Intermediate Member Username: lia Post Number: 1128 Registered: 12-2003 |
Thank you M. I definately think they do, birds are quite playful and inquisitive creatures when you look closely. The funniest thing I've seen is my friends dog opening his floppy mouth and saying 'Mum' followed by a big toothy smile whenever she came through the front door. Quite amazing to see. Kathryn, Thanks for returning to this. Soup sounds fine to me (though I'm not familiar with the advert). I had been thinking about explaining the swallow more, but I may leave it where it is. Thanks kindly for your comments E.. glad this works for you, your advice has helped no end and is much appreciated. kind thanks lia |
